The old ones are the best

[LabRes1]

I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
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Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other

"Does this taste funny to you?"

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice.

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A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time"
The man replied, "I know I've been ill"

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A man walked into the doctors,
he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"

The doctor said, "well don't go to those places"

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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

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I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
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Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.

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Phone answering machine message -

"...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key..."

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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

A strong currant pulled him in.

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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

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I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.

They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all
that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.
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Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."

The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"

[playpen]

TWO CANNIBALS EATING A MEAL

ONE SAYS " I DONT LIKE MY MOTHER-IN -LAW"

THE OTHER ONE SAID "PUSH HER TO ONE SIDE AND EAT YOUR CHIPS"

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A CANNIBAL IS WALKING DOWN THE STREET WITH HALF HIS ARM MISSING

HE MEETS HIS FRIEND WHO ASKED WHAT HAPPENED

HE REPLIED "I WENT ON HOLIDAY AND IT WAS SELF CATERING

[Lucy]

Very good :D

[janhind]

who sits and thinks these up, very funny