THE OLD ONES ARE THE BEST !

[Blakey]

Tommy Cooper Jokes...

Two Aerials meet on a roof, fall in love & get married - the ceremony
was rubbish but the Reception was brilliant.
------------------------------------------------------------------

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc
says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
------------------------------------------------------------------ -------------------------------------------------------------------

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.' 'That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'
------------------------------------------------------------------ ---------------

A man goes to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can
do for him?'
'Well, let's have a look at him' says the vet and picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally he says 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '
'No, because he's really heavy'
------------------------------------------------------------------

'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's..' 'Well you can't say
fairer than that then'
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I got home and the phone was ringing. I picked up and said 'Who's
speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------

I rang my local baths & said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He
said
'depends where you're calling from.'
------------------------------------------------------------------
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my
house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
------------------------------------------------------------------

Apparently 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people
in my family so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or dad. Or
my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

I was in my car driving along and my boss rang up, to say 'You've been
promoted.' I swerved. Then he rang up a second time to say 'You've been
promoted again.' I swerved again. He rang a third time to say 'You're
managing director.' I went into a tree. A policeman came and said 'What
happened to you?' I said 'I careered off the road.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went backwards and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me, 'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
------------------------------------------------------------------

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give
me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
------------------------------------------------------------------

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste
funny to you?'
------------------------------------------------------------------

Police arrested 2 kids, one was drinking battery acid, the other
eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Somebody complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note
on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

A man visits his doctor who says 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'

A man told the doctors, 'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor
said, 'well don't go to those places'
-------------------------------------------------------------------

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for
the next 2 years.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Two blondes walk into a building...........you'd think at least one of
them would have seen it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy
marijuana.............press the hash key...'
-------------------------------------------------------------------

I bet the butcher £50 he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He
said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A man awoke in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor,
doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly so lit a fire, It sank, proving you
can't have your kayak and heat it