Accountants

[Garyt]

What does an accountant use as a contraceptive?

His personality.

A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live."

The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?"

The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant."

"Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient.

"No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."

A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read: "Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary."

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen year old toy boy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that l8 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."

Q. When does a person decide to become an accountant?
A. When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget so he had to work it out with a pencil and paper.

A fellow walks into a hospital and sees two doctors down on their hands and knees in one of the flower beds. He goes over and
says, "Can I help? Have you lost something? "
"No," says one of the doctors. "We're about to do a heart transplant on an accountant and we're looking for a suitable stone."

Q: Why are they putting the accountants at the bottom of the ocean?
A: They found out that deep down they're really not so bad.

The doctor comes to see his heart transplant patient.

"This is good news. It is very unusual, but we have two donors to choose from for your new heart."

The patient is pleased. He asks, "What were their jobs?"

"One was a teacher and the other was an accountant."

"I'll take the accountant's heart," says the patient. "I want one that hasn't been used."

Q: What is the difference between a tragedy and a catastrophe?
A: A tragedy is a shipful of accountants going down in a storm.... A catastrophe is when they can all swim.

Q: What's the difference between an accountant and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.

If an accountant's wife cannot sleep what does she say?
"Darling, tell me about your work."

[skippy1962uk]

simbas mum karen is a accountant

[jackiem]

So are me and Malc!!!!!

[Simbas Mum]

look out Gary GRRRRRRRRRRRRr

[Garyt]

So are me and Malc!!!!!

Whoops

[Garyt]

Can you all let me know your professions please then i know which ones to avoid

[jackiem]

Can you all let me know your professions please then i know which ones to avoid

It would be a dull world if we kept quiet just in case we upset someone! Carry on making us smile Gary. We won't take offence - honest!

[baileysmum]

Its worse for me Im an accontant and blonde too !!!!!

So be afraid very afraid.

[jackiem]

Its worse for me Im an accontant and blonde too !!!!!

So be afraid very afraid.

I wasn't going to mention that I was blonde but as you have mentioned it first........

[Simbas Mum]

Me too

So I think blonde accountants are very clever and smart

I do like Garys jokes too and havent really taken offence

[jackiem]

So I think blonde accountants are very clever and smart

Malc is blonde too but darker than he used to be so yes, blonde accountants are very clever and smart and most importantly for Gary, we do have a sense of humour!

[Diesel Kate]

Oh Dear Gary. I am glad they are not one of mine.

[geddes]

Never an accountant but was a chef/publican & then amortician.
Geddes.