SO YOU THINK YOU WANT A LAB ???

Garyt · Post by **Garyt** » 10 Sep 2008, 19:16

• To prepare for the Labrador, go to the local Veterinary Surgeon. Tip the contents of your purse/ wallet onto his counter and tell him to help himself. Then go to the pet shop. Arrange to have your wages paid directly to their accountant. Go home and read the paper in peace for the last time.

• Before you finally get a Labrador, find a couple who already have one and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their dog to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their dog’s sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it – it’ll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

• To discover how the night feels, go to bed at 10pm. Set the alarm for midnight, wake up and throw yourself violently onto the floor. Place a 56lb bag of potatoes on the duvet and attempt to get back under the covers. Reset the alarm for 5.30am and, just as you are waking up, slap yourself in the face with a large wet sponge. Get up, make breakfast, keep this up for 14 years, try to look cheerful.

• Can you stand the mess that dogs make? To find out first throw 2 gallons of mud onto a newly mopped kitchen floor, smear the excess up the sides of the cooker and kitchen units. Tread a little into the hall and living room carpets. Stick your fingers in the flower-beds and rub them on the clean walls. Now, how does that look?

• Walk down the road with one arm fully extended, break into a jog extending the arm even further. Say ‘heel’ nicely, several times. Shout ‘heel’ several more. Scream ‘stop pulling damn you’. Ignore looks from passers-by.

• Forget the BMW and buy a Ford Sierra. Buy a rawhide chew, a packet of dog biscuits and a large bone. Mash them down the back of the rear seats. Go to the hairdressers and obtain a week’s floor sweepings. Distribute liberally on the seats and carpets. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect!

• Get ready to go out, try to sneak out of the door without making a sound. Go halfway down the garden path, come back. Five minutes later try again. Come back. Put on the stereo and make soothing noises. Try again. Come back. Ring friends and tell them to come round to see you instead.

• Practice sitting on not more that 1/8th of the sofa and try different methods of balancing a hot cup on your knees. When, if ever, you perfect this, try eating a packet of crisps/ biscuits silently whilst keeping the packet totally out of sight. Give up and sprinkles crumbly residue down back of sofa.

• Tie 2 dinner forks together and put a dog lead on a door hook. Rehearse picking up the dog lead silently. When it rattles scratch yourself very hard down the shins with the forks. Repeat procedure several times. Go to the sports shop and obtain a pair of goalkeeper’s shin pads.

•Now for a final tip start practicing even trying to see your computer screen while balancing 40 odd lb's of Labrador on you lap. IMPOSSIBLE.....Nah you just need to start practising when they are tiny Now using the keyboard is an artform.

• Always repeat everything you say at least five times. Always repeat everything you say…Always repeat everything you say.....Always.....Get the picture

Garyt · Post by **Garyt** » 10 Sep 2008, 19:28

would,nt be without my two....even though most of this applys

janhind · Post by **janhind** » 10 Sep 2008, 19:46

I didnt know you'd been to my house Gary, you seem to know us so well.
:D :D

jan xx

Glenys · Post by **Glenys** » 10 Sep 2008, 19:51

Brilliant we should give a copy of that to all new lab owners :D

Gemma T · Post by **Gemma T** » 10 Sep 2008, 19:54

Fab - giggled all the way through it!!!
Gemma

Alison B · Post by **Alison B** » 10 Sep 2008, 20:41

:D :D :D
We wouldn't have it any other way tho, would we?

When you see their beautiful faces fast asleep, all comfy and content- well it makes it all worthwhile :)

love Alison, Rosie (a pretty Old Girl) & Charlie (a big handsome Lad) XXX

natty · Post by **natty** » 11 Sep 2008, 09:57

yep yep.....you know your labs....maybe it should be on the home page?

kathryn · Post by **kathryn** » 11 Sep 2008, 10:15

:D True...but would you have it any other way, and on a more serious note, do you know that people who own dogs dont go to the Doctors as much as people who dont have dogs.?
We are fitter with all the walking, and when stroking our pets our blood pressure is lowered, they make us laugh, they keep us happy, and that wards of depression, and of course we have lots of dog friends when out walking,so a great social life too... :D

geddes · Post by **geddes** » 11 Sep 2008, 10:19

Most definitely true-sandy can hear her dinner bowl being moved even when she is up stairs on OUR bed and snoring.( please note it is no longer my bed).
geddes

Diesel Kate · Post by **Diesel Kate** » 11 Sep 2008, 10:34

Love it. It is so so true.

Glenys

Brilliant we should give a copy of that to all new lab owners

Should definitely be on the Adoption page.

Emma T · Post by **Emma T** » 11 Sep 2008, 16:39

This really made me giggle, especially the bit about slapping yourself with a wet sponge at 5.30am and the freshly mopped floor and kitchen units ( now we have Barney a white kitchen seems even more impractical and ludicrous than ever, not that we chose the kitchen colour though...!)

But who would be without their gorgeous labs, they are just the best!

natty · Post by **natty** » 11 Sep 2008, 16:45

do you know with hindsight i can see that most of these (with a few adaptions could apply to children as well ) :D :D

ladylabradorrescue · Post by **ladylabradorrescue** » 11 Sep 2008, 21:11

That was fabulous - Im still laughing.

jackiem · Post by **jackiem** » 14 Sep 2008, 08:09

Wonderful. But I can't live without a lab or two in my life. Tried it. Failed dismally!
Jackie

That was posted at 7.00am on Sunday morning. How little did I know at that point what was in store later that day and the following day. Living without a lab in my life at the moment and it's horrible. Can't wait for the forks down my shin and all of the above!!!

Jackie (feeling a little better)
xx

mollymunch · Post by **mollymunch** » 14 Sep 2008, 08:47

Excellent, Thanks Gary :D

Alisonx